Interviewee: Manas Khadka

Interviewer: Priyanka Shrestha

Date of Interview: 05/21/2022

Location of Interview: Stanford University

 

Priyanka: So you said you were born in Kathmandu. Do you know what part of Kathmandu?

 

Manas: Let me think. Well kind of. The house I went to after I was born was Naya Baneshwor. My mother's house was in Naya Bazaar. So I spent most of my time in Nepal around those two areas. 

 

Priyanka: So you moved to the U.S. when you were four. Tell me about what you remember about moving here. 

 

Manas: So my mom actually moved in 2005, a year before I moved. I moved in 2006. So for eight months, my mom was in the states before I was. She was figuring out how the U.S. works. Like how university housing would work for her. She came here to study. So I spent eight months in Nepal with my grandparents. I spent most of my time with my mom's parents, actually. Not my dad's parents. They described me as just very sad all the time for some reason, I guess like that's what happens when a kid doesn't have their mom that they're very attached to. 

But eight months later, my dad flies me down to Las Cruces in New Mexico. That's where my mom was at the time, at New Mexico State University. It was fun. I remember having fun. Like my dad ordered velvet cake on the plane. It cost a little extra and was delicious. That was the only reason I remember that plane is because of that cake. But it was very sweet. I remember my dad getting that for me and my mom being mad about it later. Yeah I moved then and I don't remember too much, like immediately after I arrived. I just remember settling into the house. Then it's a little bit of a blur, until school starts.

 

Priyanka: And your mom came here to study or she was continuing her studies? 

 

Manas: Yeah. For her PhD. 

 

Priyanka: What's her PhD in?

 

Manas: Microbiology.

 

Priyanka: Why did she decide to come to the U.S. to finish it? 

 

Manas: She had a passion for learning and stuff. And my dad was very supportive of that. I mean, you know how social dynamics and gender dynamics work in Nepal. So it was hard on her I'm sure. But luckily my dad was supportive and her family. Like my dad's dad was supportive and her parents were very supportive of her education. And she was doing good in school and all that. So before coming here, she had completed her master's and she was a teacher at a university. 

Well, honestly, let's get into the politics of Nepal at the time. My dad's in the Nepali military, the army. And at the time, a little before I was born, there was like the whole thing with Nepali Maoists. They were targeting officers in the army and my dad was a little concerned. So he was like, it'd be good if he could leave for a bit. Or if our family could leave. Because they also targeted families of officers. So that's also part of the reason why he is supportive. He was like, yeah, if you find opportunities abroad, go there and we can wait for the political turmoil to end. That's definitely part of it. 

 

Priyanka: Do you think the plan was that your mom was initially just gonna study here and then potentially you would move back? Or did you kind of know the family was gonna be moving and staying here? 

 

Manas: It was a little ephemeral. Like we didn't know what was gonna happen. But what we did know was my mom wanted to come here to finish her studies and see where that takes her. I mean for the longest time, my mom and my dad, they considered Nepal their home. Like here is like a weird place. Going back to Nepal, was always like a sigh of relief, like I'm comfortable again. I think the change probably happened once I was in middle school, where they're like, this is home now. But until then it was very, let's see where opportunity takes us. The plan was always set at most four years down the road. It was never as long as that.

 

Priyanka: Did you start going to school in New Mexico? Do you remember? 

 

Manas: I do remember. So I went to school in Nepal. It was a daycare, preschool type of thing. Then I came here. Luckily, I got to start in kindergarten. I was that age. That's the start of education for everyone. I think I was an ESL student for a year. I knew English because we were taught English in Nepal too, but my English wasn't super proficient. I didn't know certain words and it definitely came up. I remember I didn't know what a burp was. So I was having trouble explaining to someone what I just did. I made a noise with my mouth. I don't know. It's like stuff like that, but luckily everyone's young. No one knows how to spell very well yet. So I learned the alphabet alongside them. We started with ABCs and stuff. 

 

Priyanka: Did you know other Nepali students there or were there other Nepali families? 

 

Manas: Yeah. My mom, a Nepali family helped her get settled. It was a colleague at the same institution. There weren't many Nepali people…actually, the Nepali population in New Mexico, like Las Cruces, is bigger than I thought it would be. It was actually bigger than in Indiana. Maybe 50 people would show up to every holiday gathering type thing. It was always college affiliated. In fact, across the street from where we lived was a Nepali family. Both of us lived in university housing.

 

Priyanka: So were most of the families there, the parents were studying and in the university? You guys were all in university housing?

 

Manas: Yeah. Basically it was like pockets of different families. The median age was probably around like my mom's age, maybe a little older. There were some young grad students. Mostly people doing graduate, masters, or PhD, mostly PhDs. That was the community. There were adults and small children. I mean, there was only one teenager from what I remember. 

 

Priyanka: So you said you lived there for three years, and then you moved to Georgia after that. Was that also because of your mom's studies?

 

Manas: Yeah. That's where she did her post doctoral. By the way, up until now, my dad is still in the army in Nepal. So it's just me and my mom. 

 

Priyanka: Oh, just you and your mom. Okay. Did your dad come when you were in Georgia?

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Manas: Yeah, he'd visit every couple of months. Maybe every three, four months, he'd stay for like two weeks. Actually, something pretty important about New Mexico was that my father's mother came and took care of me for one year, because it's a little hard to do a PhD and life. But yeah, my grandmother took care of me for a year, which is very nice. I have very fond memories of that. She does too.

 

Priyanka: What did your dad do in the army this whole time?

 

Manas: I don't honestly know the fine details of what his position entailed. Well, he was a Lieutenant Colonel by the time that he stopped. He came back when I was in third grade in Georgia. He definitely had an office. He did like office work. But he also had formal military training. He had to go to the barracks and do all that stuff. He was in the group picture of base camp. He did all that. But I don't think he was ever, actually, he did do some, he was definitely posted in places.

He went to South Sudan. He was in the U.N. Peace Corps. That's what he was in. So he definitely…I remember now, it's coming back. He told me stories back. I was always enthralled by his stories he'd tell me when I was a kid, but he did U.N. peacekeeping missions in South Sudan. He learned how to drive in Palestine, I think. 

 

Priyanka: Really?

 

Manas: Yeah. Oh no Lebanon, Lebanon. So, he was very busy. This was before I was born.

 

Priyanka: So he moved here with you and your mom when you were in third grade in Georgia.

 

Manas: Yeah. It was actually almost like, you know, the weird, trendy, fun videos of a kid who does not know that their father is coming home from the military. He did that. I was in an afterschool program. I think he just showed up, picked me up one day. I had no idea. It was very fun. 

 

Priyanka: That's so fun! So did he leave the army to come here? 

 

Manas: Yeah, he did. He ended up leaving the army at that time. You're supposed to complete a certain amount of years, like 21 years. He wasn't there yet. So he had to go back and do more paperwork, two, three years later to make sure that was all good. But I think he was in the army for 20 years. He was basically there. But like, I think there was just a lot of family stuff, like my mom really wants him to come and there's good family stuff.

 

Priyanka: Does the rest of your family still live in Nepal? Like your parents' siblings or grandparents and stuff? 

 

Manas: Yeah. All four of my grandparents still live in Nepal. Basically all of their children and all of the younger generation, like my parents' generation, have moved out of Nepal. Mostly to Australia and some in other countries in South Asia. There's some family in San Francisco actually. A lot more on the extended side, but like we're close with them. They've known me since I was a child, which is really nice. I can visit them. There's some on the east coast like Maryland, Baltimore. That's my father's cousin that lives there. So my aunt, I don't know, it was once removed, something like that. 

 

Priyanka: And do you, do you get to visit like your families in the U.S. often? Do you see them?

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Manas: Not very often. On special occasions, we have to make the effort to see them. Typically it's us going to them cuz no one's coming. They come to see Chicago. Chicago's nearby. So every time someone does come, we take them to like, In Chicago.

Okay let's back it up. I think we just moved to Georgia. I just jumped around a lot. My dad is in the military. 

 

Priyanka: Yeah. Okay. Tell me about Georgia. Now your dad's here, you're starting third grade, elementary school? 

 

Manas: So yeah, I actually moved right after I did second grade through fourth grade in Georgia. Georgia was pretty fun. So we lived in this weird apartment place. It's called Raintree apartments. It was a fun place. There was a very big Korean and Indian community there. So I would hang out. I had a very ideal childhood here. I would say it was really fun because I'd come home from school, I'd do my work, and then I'd play outside with my friends, every single day because we all lived together. It was really fun. It was a really good time and it's the perfect place to play. There was a secluded place behind the apartments to play. It was just nice. It was a nice childhood there. 

 

Priyanka: What about the Nepali community there?

 

Manas: Very similar to New Mexico in the sense that it was centered. Every single Nepali person was basically related to UGA (University of Georgia) in some way. There were a lot of families that moved into the apartments that we lived in. But this time, we were the first Nepali family in these apartments. After us, we would help set up people. Like, hey you can live here nearby. It's not that bad. And you know, just community. But there was a pretty big Nepali population in Athens, Georgia too. Enough that I don't remember everyone. Like you just don't need to know everyone. Like you don't know everyone's by name and stuff like that. But it was still pretty tight. It was more tight knit here than in New Mexico. Let's say in New Mexico, there would always be like 50 people at the gatherings. But there'd be like 20 other faces that would be different each time, maybe they’re 80 people in total. And some don't show up. Here it was always like the same people. The same 40 every time. 

 

Priyanka: Was your grandmother here in Georgia, or just in New Mexico?

 

Maans: She left before then. But again, before my dad came, this time, my mom's parents came to help out for a bit. 

 

Priyanka: In Georgia?

 

Manas: Yeah. Georgia. My grandmother and grandfather came. My grandmother left after four or five months, my grandfather stayed another three months to help out. But yeah, he was there. 

 

Priyanka: I'm just curious. Did your mom or your grandparents, did they cook Nepali food and stuff?

 

Manas: Yeah. So speaking of food, we ate rice twice a day until Georgia. That was lunch and dinner. It was rice. We enjoyed it for a bit, and then we switched a little. Actually, typically it was always rice every day, twice a day.

In New Mexico, when we moved, I would say we were like this: we weren't poor, because we had money back home. Like if you have opportunities to move to the States, you can't say you're not well off. Like you can't say you're poor. You have financial backing of some sort, like your parents or something. But when we moved here, we definitely lived like we were poor, like very frugally. Like I'd say we were poor, because it's hard to liquidize money and then bring it here. Like how my mom's not the most financially smart person either. I'm not saying she makes bad financial decisions, but she just doesn't understand how the system works fully, at least back then. So bringing money here was weird. My dad would bring money every time he visited. He'd bring some money. So we did not have money, but we had financial security and that's the difference between being poor. It's the financial security aspect. If money is needed, we are not screwed. Like I remember all the time, part of my meal was Walmart great value hot dogs. I'd eat them all the time. So like we ate very frugally, I would say. I didn't notice as a kid. 

 

Priyanka: Before your dad came, would you guys call him?

 

Manas: So yeah, we'd Skype home. Then my dad, he would call us sometimes. We'd buy, like, going to the gas station to the store to get the phone cards. We would get those. We would do that too. Yeah, we would get those. Skype was a thing. People from there could call us. But if we call there, it just costs a lot of money on the line. So like they'd call us more frequently.

 

Priyanka: Did you guys ever use Magic Jack? The side thing?

 

Manas: Yeah, we did. We use that too. But yes, that's how we'd call home.

 

Priyanka: How often would you call home? Do you think? 

 

Manas: I don't remember me too much, because my mom would call very frequently. I mean, she's living by herself, she's got no Nepali person very close around. So she would call all the time and she'd be like, “Hey, come here.” I probably just wanted to watch TV or something as a kid. 

 

Priyanka: In both Georgia and New Mexico, what about celebrating Nepali holidays and stuff like that? Like how did that go? 

 

Manas: It went well. Again, there's a non-negligible Nepali population around. We would also celebrate as a community. I had no idea what was going on. Especially because the celebration would mostly be, we go and there's like a party. There's food, you eat and it'd be fun. I think we slacked a little more on the cultural and religious aspect of it. At least I did not understand what was happening too much. Like we'd do stuff. We still had a little stand with little bhagwans (Gods) on it and stuff. I remember praying and lighting the candles, putting money, food, and doing all that stuff. 

 

Priyanka: Is this like New Mexico? 

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Manas: This is in New Mexico, and in Georgia. In Georgia, we didn't have a stand anymore . Or maybe we didn't in the kitchen. I don't know. Just like small little things.

 

Priyanka: Do you still do that or do you still have that now?

 

Manas: In my parents' place, they have some stuff. But we don't do any, like ritualistic things, which means there's nothing like a schedule, like we don't do anything every day or anything like that. But during special holidays, we still celebrate. 

 

Priyanka: Yeah. Do you think you'd consider your parents or yourself religious? 

 

Manas: My dad is actually decently religious. I think he's religious in the sense that he derives comfort from the religion and he's very close to it. He always prays to Krishna. My mom, a little less so. She's more into meditation, like just spiritual practices, spiritual wellness. Also my grandfather, her father. He teaches meditation and stuff like that in Nepal. 

 

Priyanka: Going off that, tell me more about what your family in Nepal does, like your grandparents or whomever else is there. 

 

Manas: So my dad's father is actually still in the military. He still goes to the office and works. 

Priyanka: Is that how your dad got into the military? 

 

Manas: Yeah. Like the oldest son of the oldest son, goes to the military. I think it's the type of thing that they were doing, and my dad wanted to as well. I don't know how far back, but I'm pretty sure his father also was in the military, my grandfather’s father. So I guess I broke the whole thing in terms of that, which is fun. Yeah my dad's mother, she worked at our farm. So the place my dad's from is Duwakot, which back then was rural. Now it's basically by the city, it's not rural. 

 

Priyanka: Near Kathmandu?

 

Manas: Yeah. My mom's dad worked for the Nepali government. He was an auditor. It was some financial bill that was being passed, for U.N. countries. He was there, representing Nepal. So he was pretty big, he was the head auditor for the whole Nepali government, trying to prevent corruption. Like seeing where the money is going and allocated. His real passion was always his spiritual journey, with meeting different gurus and different spiritual teachers. And just teaches meditation and he's really found happiness to do that, which is great. 

 

Priyanka: That's really nice. Do you get to visit often or when's the last time you saw them?

 

Manas: Actually they're here right now. So they're visiting now. It's been a while, but before now I'd visit Nepal every two, three years maybe. But it's been five years because of COVID. My Nepali is definitely getting worse. 

 

Priyanka: Do you talk in Nepali at home?

 

Manas: I remember, especially in New Mexico, I would just talk in Nepali with them. All the time in Georgia, I would also talk in Nepali, but it became more Nepali-English. Now it's mostly just English. So I try to make more of a conscious effort to talk to them in Nepali when I can, just to maintain at least what I have, or to help it not degrade more.

 

Priyanka: Do you know how to read and write Nepali also? 

 

Manas: I used to, as a kid I could. Actually I could write stuff down. I could write simple sentences and stuff. It's all gone. I can write my name. That's it. 

 

Priyanka: Do you think that you'll keep visiting Nepal when you're older?

 

Manas: Oh, that's a good question. With my parents. The thing is it's intimidating to go to Nepal by myself. I've never traveled to Nepal by myself because I can't read or write. And sure I can speak. But anyone can tell that I'm from the U.S., or not from Nepal. So it's like, they can take advantage of me in that sense. Unless I go with a group of friends, maybe my friends, who've always heard about Nepal. If they ever want to go, we'll do that, but then we'd go as tourists and I'd be a local tourist.

 

Priyanka: Yeah. Another thing that I was really curious about exploring is just how first generation and second generation, how we are still obviously all connected by being from Nepal and from our families. But I feel there's also a degree of separation that happens. So I guess to start off, one thing I think about is, what are some family values that you hold that are because of your heritage and it being from Nepal, or that your family holds and maybe that you hold also?

 

Manas: Okay. So I definitely see a clash cause I remember growing up, it was always like, I would want to live more of the Western lifestyle of like, "I want to go out and see my friends", and do stuff like that. But my parents always brought up the point of, "in Nepal, we had to be home before it's dark". And I'm like, we gotta do that because it's dangerous, because there's no lights or anything. There's reasons for these things and these cultural differences. But most of it's not even cultural. It's literally just like, the reason why you did that is not because you're Nepali, it's because of the circumstance. So a lot of struggle there because all my friends are from here. It doesn't make sense for me to do what you did when you were fifteen with them, because they're not. Stuff like that. Some family values we hold. I mean, my mom really wanted a son because you're supposed to stay with your parents and take care of them and stuff. She definitely let go of that after we moved to the States. Her brother moved for work into the UK. Everyone from their generation that were younger than them were moving away. My mom moved here. My dad had moved here. So they were like, "if we did it, like, how can we expect that". You can't expect that. But they definitely expect me to take care of them, when they're older, to some extent, if that does not mean living with them.

And I, I hold that value. I do want to do that. Well, growing up in a Nepali household, in my experience, we're very open. Like if there's a problem, we dealt with it in an emotional way. Like my mom would just yell, like any problem, she would yell at me. There was, for us, like a physical understanding. I don't know. There was an understanding of each other. Even to this day, I can cry in front of my mom. I can give my mom a hug. I can just lay down like a baby in front of my mom if I want to, like it doesn't bother me. Like, it makes sense. I think this physical aspect, to our family at least, is very important. And that's why staying away from extended family makes me feel so excluded from them.

 

Priyanka: Yeah. Do you think there's anything that you and your parents, growing up there were certain rules or things that you always did or that it was always expected of you, and now you feel you're diverging from it, or do you see a clash between you and your parents on that?

 

Manas: Yeah. Well growing up, no matter what happens, I can't talk back to my parents. It doesn't matter if I have a logical point, I can't do that as that's against the rules, I guess. That was very annoying and frustrating. I think, as I got older, they saw I was becoming more independent. Like I can take care of myself too. So you should respect what I have to say. We're more respectful towards each other, I'm not a kid anymore, essentially. 

 

Priyanka: If you don't mind me asking how do your parents feel about dating and stuff like that here?

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Manas: We talked about that. It's a fun conversation. My parents are decently lax about things, which is good. I mean, I'm sure they'd rather things be a certain way. But they would want me to date a Nepali girl, and be with Nepali girl. I'm sure that'd be the best outcome for them. If I ever mention the fact that there exists a Nepali girl on campus, they're like, "Make sure you talk to them". I'm like, "Okay, sure". Especially my dad. My mom, a little less. She's more subtle than that, I suppose. But I think at the end of the day, like in high school, I dated a white girl from my school. I brought her home. We had dinner with my parents like four, five times. It was definitely weird for them, but they were accepting because they understand, we live here, it's harder for things to happen. Compromise needs to happen. And as long as I'm happy, they need to be happy. But they definitely have what they like at least hope for. I think now, what they're really hoping for is I just end up with someone that is from a similar culture, or is very accepting of the culture, or has some venn diagram similarity with the culture. They're hoping for that, at least. But ultimately they are lenient. 

 

Priyanka: Coming to Stanford, how did you find that? And with regards to the Nepali community here?

 

Manas: First of all, South Bend Indiana. That's where I really became a person in the sense that middle school, high school are probably when you develop your identity the most. And I did so in a place that's not very diverse. South Bend's a decently diverse city. There's a sizable, African American and Hispanic population there because there just is. But there's the very, especially like I was in the IB program at my high school. And I was one of two brown kids in the IB program. There are a couple other Asian kids, stuff like that. So I never noticed it, which is good. I never felt excluded because of race or anything. I didn't even think about it, or when I did, it'd be funny, make a joke or something. So moving here was crazy in the sense that, there's so many people from all over the place, which is cool. I fit in the boat a bit more, which is never a problem for me. So like, it doesn't affect me too much. I really enjoy having a community where I could talk about things like these and I can make sense. It wasn't repressed or anything. But I didn't realize I have two identities. Nepali me, and the me I put on for the rest of the world. The Nepali version of me only existed in a very specific context, but he really did exist. When those worlds clashed in the past, I'd be at loss. I'd freeze up, I'd just feel awkward. It'd be weird. And I think now is the time for that awkwardness to go away. Maybe for these two me's to become one me. That'd be ideal. Yeah. That'd be really cool, but it's not a problem or anything. But if that could happen that'd be really cool. 

For example, just this project, you are talking about, this is really interesting to me because these experiences are repressed in a sense. It's a silent experience that I don't hear about. But they are identity defining, and in some cases maybe more traumatic or there's more tension in them. Mine is, luckily it's pretty smooth for the most part. I'm not worried about my identity, but I would love for this difference to go away from my two identities. This is starting to happen more like coming to Stanford. Talking to not only the small Nepali community we have here, but just people of all different races and backgrounds and just sharing that different experience and shared experiences. Which is really fun. 

 

Priyanka: Definitely. Do you think that the Nepali communities you had before, and just your upbringing with your parents, that kind of brought you closer to the Nepali community and made you wanna seek it out at Stanford too? Because I think it exists, but it's on you to be a part of it.

 

Manas: I think so. I've done so many things and I have so many experiences that are Nepali. But I don't understand the greater meaning of them. So what I've been left with more than anything is this curiosity of what does it mean to really be Nepali, I guess if that even makes sense. If you wanted to explore that more and be in the boat, filled with people who had, weirdly similar experiences, because—just the way, all these things line up—well, then that's the place to do it. I can't really talk about this stuff and have anyone understand it to this detail, unless it's with someone else that had exactly the same kind of thing.

So that's been really cool. That's something that Stanford has provided. Even the communities I've been in, in the past very few kids my age. Like in South Bend, there was one dude that was two years younger than me. We could share stuff and that made us close. Now there's these concentric circles of degrees of separation from my experience. There's so many people that can have the same experience, essentially where the Nepali community is the closest. Which is really dope, and I like that. I want to celebrate Dashain, that's important to what it means to be me. I don't know if it is, but I want it to be, and that's why I do what I do.